The Healing Daughter

narcissistic mother

10 Signs You Have A Narcissistic Mother

This signs are in relation to her relationship with her daughter. It is the mother daughter dynamic.

  1. You find yourself constantly trying to win your mothers love.
    • Try to get her attention and approval but never feel able to please her.
    • The goal post is always moving.
    • Growing up, you need love, attention and approval from your mother.
    • The approval needs to be for who you are as a person, not what you do.
    • You try to appease her by giving her gifts.
    • Showing her what a great guy you’ve picked only to be put down about your choices.
  2. Your mother emphasizes how it looks but now how it feels
    • The narcissistic mother’s mantra: “it’s better to look good, than to feel good.”
    • A narcissistic mother sees you as an extension of herself and if you look good, so does she.
    • So even though it may look like she cares about you, it’s really all about her and the impression she makes upon others.
    • How you look is only important to your mother because it reflects her weak self-worth.
    • When you are not on display and can’t be seen by others, you almost become invisible to her.
    • To your mother, what you feel inside isn’t important.
  3. Your mother is jealous of you.
    • Your narcissistic mother may perceive you as a threat if you take attention away from her.
    • She punishes you by putting you down and stonewalling you.
    • She may be jealous of your looks, your material possessions, accomplishments, education.
    • Even the relationships you have with your father.
    • Criticizes the way you look, your body, your weight.
    • Calls you a slut, hoe.
    • Your mother is the quintessential mean girl who never grew up.
    • What’s insidious about this is that your mother gives you a confusing message. “Do well but don’t do better than mom because it outshines hers.”
    • Your mom may act proud that you look good, but punish you behind closed doors.
    • In the end it’s all envy and a “hit” on her fragile ego.
  4. Your mother doesn’t support your healthy expressions of self.
    • Since they are almost always in conflict with her own needs, or your mother sees them as a threat.
    • As children, we develop a sense of self by exploring, experiencing new things.
    • We learn to make decisions about what we like and don’t like.
    • The narcissistic mother doesn’t allow this to happen.
    • She controls her daughter’s interests and activities. So that they revolve around what the mother finds interesting, convenient, and nonthreatening.
    • They won’t encourage their daughters to seek what they are interested in.
    • This is why daughters feel like they have no idea who they are apart from their mothers.
    • This can go as far as the decision to have a child or not.
    • Examples: When a daughter does well in something. Like a school musical, if it isn’t part of the mothers plan, she will sabotage her daughter.
    • A narcissistic mother may not attend a graduation and say it’s too hot.
    • She may threaten to leave a wedding or make the birth of a baby about herself.
  5. In your family, it was always all about your mom.
    • Narcissistic mothers are so self-absorbed.
    • They don’t even consider how their behavior affects their daughters.
    • For example: a daughter may be studying a lot because she has a final coming up.
    • A mother may guilt her daughter into spending time with her. She tells her daughter she can study some other day or she can retake the class.
    • If a daughter start taking antidepressants, the mother makes it about herself. She may say “have I been that bad of a mother that you need to take pills for depression?”
  6. Your mother lacks empathy.
    • Daughters feel invalidated and unimportant.
    • Your mother cannot attune to you as a person.
    • She has no clue who you are because she doesn’t care to get to know you.
    • You try to tell her mom about how you feels or what’s going on in your life. In the end she stonewalls her daughter or makes it about herself.
    • Example: A daughter tries to tell her mother about her feelings. The responds by telling the daughter to stop and “just be strong.”
  7. Your mother can’t deal with her own feelings.
    • This means as a child the daughter learned to deny and suppress her own feelings
    • The daughter put up a show to meet her mother’s needs.
    • It seems that the only feeling a narcissistic mother feels is anger which she shows often.
    • Since the narcissistic mother can’t deal with her own feelings, she can’t deal with her daughters.
    • The relationship feels superficial with almost no emotional connection.
  8. Your mother is highly critical and judgemental.
    • A daughter of a narcissistic mother is constantly criticized.
    • Because of this a daughter becomes overly sensitive about everything.
    • Narcissistic mothers are critical because they have a fragile ego. They use their daughters as scapegoats for their bad feelings about themselves. They blame their daughters for their insecurities and unhappiness.
    • As children, daughters don’t know that their mothers are being critical because they don’t like themselves.
    • Daughters internalize this message as “I am bad or mother wouldn’t treat me this way.” This becomes their truth.
    • A narcissistic mother’s criticisms create the feeling of never feeling good enough. It’s incredibly challenging to shake for the daughter.
    • Daughters are insecure about any decision they make. In the back of their head they think “what would mother think”?
  9. Your mother treats you like a friend, not a daughter.
    • A relationship between a mother and a daughter should be that the parent takes care of the child.
    • Narcissistic mothers use their daughters as their audience to spill all their adult problems onto.
    • They use their daughter to meet their emotional needs from a young age.
    • Some daughters deal with this friendship because at least their mother is paying attention to them.
    • A narcissistic mother may prematurely involve their daughters into the adult world. They do this by talking to them about their boyfriends, sex life, and adult topics.
  10. You have no boundaries or privacy with your mother.
    • A narcissistic mother doesn’t let her daughter be her own person.
    • She sees her daughter as an extension of herself.
    • There is no privacy and a mother can talk to her daughter about anything. It doesn’t matter how inappropriate.
    • She will also tell other people about the daughter’s life.
    • Narcissistic mothers fight tooth and nail when it comes to boundaries. This is because he daughter is essentially taking away a part of herself.

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